I Think I Need Therapy

I came across this poem I had written in my journal a number of years ago.  My kids were very small and that particular day I felt like motherhood had swallowed me whole.  I was buried in a messy house, exhausted with the daily grind of caring for tiny kids, and was certain my sense of self had been lost in the chaos.
When I found this recently, I laughed right out loud.  Now I realize I'm not the only mom who ever felt this way.  In fact, I'd guess all moms feel some of this at some point.

I Think I Need Therapy

I find myself arguing with my two-year-old.

I think I need therapy.

My baby barfs all over herself and me.

I change and bathe her.  I simply wipe myself off.

I think I need therapy.

Then I see snot smeared on my shoulder.

I think, "Gross." and go about the task at hand.

I think I need therapy.

I'm trying desperately to lose weight.

But all I want are cookies and cake.

I think I need therapy.

I'm happy to stay in my pajamas all day, 

Holed up in the house.

I think I need therapy.

I used to be popular, smart, and good at everything I tried.

Now I don't have friends, I'm not sure if I can still think,

 And I don't have time to try anything--

Or maybe I've just lost my creativity.

I think I need therapy

I get annoyed sometimes when my children touch me.

I think I need therapy.

Sometimes I worry that I'm too

Controlling with my kids, yet I can't

Keep control over all the messes the go around making.

I think I need therapy.

I think I need therapy.

"You're Not a People. You're Just a Mom"

When Whitney was just 3 years old, she brought me a sheet of paper she had colorfully decorated with markers and asked me to fold it into an origami box.

As I folded, she found an empty tin of Altoids "Tangerine Sours" sitting on the table next to me.
Picking up the tin she asked, "Mama, did you eat them all?" a demanding tone in her voice.
"Well there were just two left and Ellie ate them," I replied.
"Uhhhhh!" she whined, "I wanted two of them!"

I didn't respond--just kept folding.
After standing there glaring at me for a few moments, empty tin in hand, she said resolvedly, "I will throw this at you."
"If you throw that at me I will keep your paper box." I said as I continued to fold. "You don't throw things at people."
"Well you're not a people."
"Yes I am."
"Nuh-uh.  You're not a people."
"Well I'm not a cat. I'm not a dog.  I'm not a horse."
"Well you're not a people." she insisted.
"I'm a person."
"No you aren't"
Deciding the argument was useless, I fell silent and kept folding.
Whitney stood by watching me and after a few moments said, matter-of-factly, "You're not a person." (Pause) "You're just a mom."
I laughed right out loud and she whined loudly, "Don't laugh at me!"
"I'm not laughing at you.  I'm laughing at what you said."
She finally put the empty tin down, distracted by something else, and walked away.
And I finished folding the brightly colored paper box.

Don't Worry...

Recently I had been worried and stressed about something for several days, maybe weeks.  I had been praying for help and guidance to know what to do.  The fact was, there was really nothing I could do, or so I thought.  I felt helpless, worried, and somewhat fearful.
I had been praying for help.  But mostly I had been pleading with God to remove the hardship I was facing. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you want to speak to God, pray.  If you want God to speak to you, read the scriptures"?

One evening I sat down in a quiet place--with no distractions--and opened up the Bible. In the quiet of those moments, God spoke to me.  It happened as I opened up to Philippians chapter 4.  I chose this particular chapter because I love Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

It was, however, verses 6-7 where God's words came straight through to me.  I don't remember ever reading them before, but those two verses were exactly the words I needed to hear:

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The word "Be" at the beginning of verse 6 has a Greek translation: "Don't be unduly concerned about anything."  To me it said, "Molly, don't worry."

The next word, "careful" also means "afflicted," which said to me, "Be afflicted, or troubled by nothing."  Again "Molly, don't worry."

So God told me what NOT to do: worry.  

Then He told me what to do: "...in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." 

 Notice that "every thing" is two words not one, which emphasizes each word separately. God told me here to pray to Him about every thing--He wants to hear about it all!; to do it with gratitude always in my heart--to thank Him for every thing; and then to tell Him my requests, or ask for blessings.

Next, God told me how I would be blessed: And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The footnote for "keep" has a Greek translation: "guard."

What could be better than the peace of God?  And because of and through Jesus Christ, my heart and mind would be guarded.  To me that said I would be safe.  I would be okay.  With Jesus guarding me, why would I worry?

Over the next several days, I changed the way I prayed.  I focused on gratitude.  I counted my blessings and thanked God for every thing--including the hardships that I know, through His Grace, will make me a better person.  And I stopped worrying.  He told me not to worry, so I stopped worrying.

God keeps His promises, and the promise of peace came. His peace.  It was like a healing balm to chapped lips.  It was soothing, comforting and joyful. The hardship I was facing wasn't removed immediately, but I had no doubt that whatever came of it would be okay and I didn't need to worry about it anymore.

God loves us.  He is intimately aware of us, our needs, our worries.  He wants to bless and comfort us the way any loving Father would want to comfort his hurting child.  We can simply go to Him in prayer, listen to Him in scripture, and follow Him in life, to always feel His love, peace and comfort.

New Year's Resolutions? Or Mission Impossible?

Anyone having trouble sticking with those New Year's Resolutions?  Have you found yourself giving in--just this once?  And then once more.  Then once more.  Then just throwing in the towel entirely?
Or maybe you're like me and have had a hard time even starting on your new goals.  It's so easy to tell myself, "I'll start tomorrow" or "I'll start for real on Monday."
On January 5th, I came back from the gym determined to do better--to eat healthy and stop my "see food" diet (I see food, I eat it).  I knew, however that I couldn't do it on my own.  I felt so weak and incapable of the self-control I desperately wanted and needed to reach my goals.
Still in my workout attire, I picked up my scriptures and went straight to my knees.  I said a heartfelt prayer, asking the Lord to bless me with His strength.

I opened up to where I had left off a few days before: 3 Nephi 17. This chapter is Jesus visiting the people on the American continent after His resurrection.  He had spent time teaching and ministering to them.  I felt like I needed His ministering.  I needed His love, His hope, His healing.  He did minister to me as I read His words in that chapter.  I felt like he was right here speaking the words to me.  Here are some verses that especially stood out:

Verse 2: "I perceive that ye are weak..."

Verse 8: "I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you."

Verse 9: "all them that were afflicted in any manner;...he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him."

I took courage and strength in knowing that Christ heals all afflictions.  I am praying for faith sufficient that He will heal mine--I'm certain afflictions include bad habits and addictions.  I certainly am afflicted by mine!  But He heals afflictions as they are brought to Him.  

What if those people hadn't had faith enough to bring Him their afflicted?  They would not have had the opportunity to be healed.

As I read on, I found some other beautiful scriptures on healing by the Savior.

3 Nephi 18:32  "...they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall ^bheal them;"

I looked up the footnotes for "heal."  Read on!

Jeremiah 3:22  "Return, ye backsliding children, and I will ^aheal your backslidings. Behold, we come unto thee; for thou art the Lord our God."

Backsliding!  That's what I feel like I do all the time: Three steps forward, two steps back! Or sometimes two steps forward and three steps back!

 D&C 112:13  "And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them."

This verse says to me, that the healing will come after the tempations and a lot of hard work and difficulty.  Then if we remain humble and teachable (harden not our hearts and stiffen not our necks), He will come after us and heal us.

I really found a lot of hope and peace in these scriptures.  I hope (if you've read this far) that you find them helpful as well.  Happy New Year!

How Close Are They? Maybe Closer Than We Think.

;My family teases me that when I'm deep in thought, the lights are on, but nobody's home--I'm lost in my thoughts. Such was the case one day as I was driving several years ago, shuttling kids from one place to another. I was wishing time could stand still, especially when enjoying meals or time with dear friends or family. I was wishing that time were no issue, so that we could cultivate closer, more intimate relationships with people. Life moves so swiftly, and much time is used up just living and taking care of basic needs of self and family. I was wishing there was more time to have people over for meals, that they could stay and that we could get to know one another for more than just a couple hours--to really understand each other and develop deeper, more meaningful relationships. As I was deep in that thought, I felt the Spirit come in and teach me a powerful truth, which is this: Our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ are not bound by time. Because they are not bound by time, they are able to be with each one of us for every/any moment of our lives. They know each of us very deeply, our joys, sorrows, struggles. They are able to be laser focused on one person at a time--to literally be with each of us in every moment of our lives. I don't understand how. That is beyond my mortal comprehension. But the notion that they may be with me every second of my life is strengthening, faith-building, and hope promoting. I also think twice about what I say, do, think, etc. The other day as I washed dishes, I was listening to the Mormon Channel. It was a theatrical reading from the Book of Luke. I found two verses particularly moving, so much so that tears rolled down my face into the warm water of the sink. The story is right after the last supper when Jesus is speaking with Peter (also known as Simon). "And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not..." (Luke 22:31-32) I felt the Spirit speaking to me right then. I thought it was so beautiful that Jesus, the Lord and Savior of the world, prayed for Peter, that his faith fail not. If Jesus prayed for Peter, who's to say he wouldn't pray for me? I believe the reason I was so overcome with emotion is because the Holy Ghost was testifying to me that Jesus does pray for me, as He did for Peter. I believe he prays to the Father for each of us. He is, after all, our advocate with the Father. He has paid the price to save our souls, so we are His. He loves us. What a beautiful thing to think that he prays in our behalf! And that He may be present with us in every moment of our lives.

Filling the Void (with Chocolate?)

This post is dedicated to my like-a-sister friend LaNae. This is a personal experience she shared with me several years ago and allowed me to share. LaNae is such a great example to me of how to love. I am also always amazed at her ability to speak with God and hear His answers and counsel. I think it's one of her many gifts. This particular experience was one where God taught her what she needed to do to fill the emptiness she was feeling inside. LaNae and her husband had always had a strong, healthy relationship. But she had been feeling empty inside, and thought she needed more of his attention and affection. He usually came home from work for lunch. One particular day, in an attempt to win his affection and fill her void with his love and adoration, she made his favorite lunch. She carefully set an elegant table for two, complete with clean table cloth, flowers, and his favorite dishes (yes this man loves dishes!). She eagerly primped and groomed to look her very best before he arrived home. He was very pleased by the delicious meal, the beautifully set table, and a beautiful wife with whom to eat his lunch. They enjoyed their lunch together. Then he thanked her for the lovely meal, gave her a kiss, and headed back to work. She was severely disappointed. She still felt empty. Why hadn’t he made her happy? Why hadn’t she received the love that she was so desperately seeking? Her initial thought was to fill the void with temporary happiness—chocolate! There was a Snickers in the cupboard that began screaming her name. Instead she went to the quiet of her bedroom and knelt in prayer. She told her Heavenly Father how disappointed she was that her husband was not giving her the love that she so desperately hungered for. She asked Heavenly Father what more she could do. Then the warmth of the Spirit overcame her as these words filled her mind and heart, “It is my love you need. Let me fill you with my love.” She realized that it was not her husband’s responsibility to fill the void she had inside. Rather it was her responsibility to turn to her Heavenly Father for the love that He is both willing and eager to give, if we would but receive. She realized that when she receives God's love, not only is she filled, but she is better able to give and love others. What are we seeking to fill the void? Quick, easy happiness? Television? Food? Work? Or any number of addictions? Are those things filling us with joy? Where is true joy and happiness to be found? In Lehi’s vision he “beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.”(1 Nephi 8:10) “And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit.” (1 Nephi 8:12) What does the fruit in Lehi’s dream represent? The Love of God. Therefore the Love of God is desirable to make one happy. The Love of God filled Lehi’s soul with exceedingly great joy, and he knew that the Love of God was desirable above all other fruit. This has become a very favorite scipture: Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:63) By drawing near unto God, we feel His love, and no longer have a need to fill a void, because we are filled with His love. It takes daily effort, but the time investment is far outweighed by the blessings received. And behold, and lo, I am with the faithful always. Even so. Amen. (Doctrine and Covenants 62:99)

Dad Thinks I'm Pretty ( so Put Down That Ugly Stick)

My Dad likes to remind me of a story from when I was about three years old.  My brother and I were quarreling when he declared, "You're ugly!"
"No I'm not.  I'm pretty."  I said in my most confident 3-year-old voice.
"You're ugly!" he argued.
"Well Dad thinks I'm pretty." I retorted.
"How do you know?"
"Because he says I'm his girlfriend!"

I knew Dad loved and cherished me, so he must have thought I was pretty.  And he did.  And he loved that knew it!  And that Daddy's love built so much confidence in a little girl.

A couple years ago, I had somewhat of a similar experience.  I had recently worked really hard to stop eating sugary junk (my weakness!) and get back to exercising.  I was feeling really good about the progress I had made over the last several days.

This particular day I had just showered and was doing my regular routine of lotion all over, make-up remover, face cream, etc., when really negative words invaded my thoughts.
"You're still so fat.  You're ugly too."
I began to feel very discouraged.  For a moment I wondered why I was even trying.  I felt like giving up.  I felt frustrated and fearful.  Fearful that I would never be master of my ship, and that I would be tossed to and fro in a continuous downward spiral.  It was a desperate, hopeless feeling.

Then I considered the source of those thoughts.  I had the impression to pray.

"Dear Heavenly Father," I began, standing at my bathroom sink.  As soon as those words formed in my mind I immediately felt warmth and comfort, like a soft blanket falling over me.
"Father, please help me to feel Thy love for me and to cast aside Satan's words."
Tears streamed down my face, because I could feel Him near as soon as I began.  I felt incredibly loved, valued, and suddenly the superficial stuff really didn't even matter.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me and thinks I'm beautiful.  How do I know?  Because He told me right then when I called out to him standing in my bathroom.  He was right beside me. He sent His Son, so that when Satan is being a big brat and hands me an ugly stick and encourages me to beat myself with it, He can step in and fill me with His love and remind me that I am pretty.

I absolutely LOVE this song by Candice Clover.